WHAT IS CONSENT?
Consent is a verbal, physical and/or emotional agreement to sexual activity that is mutual for both parties.
Consent must be voluntarily given without manipulation, intimidation, fear, or any head games.
Consent is not just saying 'yes' or 'no'. It is also a physical experience as well. Someone who is freely giving consent should be excited or physically enthusiastic. A person can say yes while their body language is hesitant, anxious or guarded, this could mean they have doubts and you should never pressure them. Pay attention to the other person’s body language and look for physical and emotional cues that could either mean a yes or a no.
CONSENT MUST BE CONTINUOUS FROM START TO FINISH AND CAN BE WITHDRAWN AT ANY TIME.
What does this mean you? Someone can change their mind at any point in time for any reason, which means that you have to back off and give them space. You both could be well into it and you do something they don’t like that turns them off, they have the right to withdraw consent. Also, just because they said yes to one thing, doesn’t mean that it's a yes to everything else.
THE TALKING KIND
Everyone has their personal boundaries on what makes them hot and what makes them not. Just like consent is continuous, so should communicating, both physically and verbally. You can do this by looking for their body language cues and asking them if they’re okay or if you need to slow things down. Asking them and caring for their well being also shows that you care. This can create a more comfortable situation for both parties, which can lead to an even greater sexual experience.
[ASS]UME = [ASS]AULT
When you assume consent, you can create assault involving you and me. Consent should always be given before a situation and throughout the entire situation. It should never be assumed by:
- Body Language: just because they dress a certain way, smiled back, or “playing hard to get”, does’t mean they want you. ASK!
- Dating Relationships: just because you both are dating, doesn’t mean your entitled to it every time you want. ASK!
- Marriage: to have and to hold, after you asked them if it was okay first. Martial rape is a serious issue and assault.
- Previous Activity: just because you guys had sex in the past, doesn’t mean they want it again. Just because they said yes to one thing, doesn’t mean that’s a yes to everything. ASK!
- Lack of Communication: just because they haven’t said anything, verbally or physically, doesn’t mean it’s a yes or a no. ASK!
- Incapacitation: if someone is intoxicated, they're not making the decisions they normally would, or if they’re even able to make a decision at all. Taking advantage of someone that is incapacitated is rape. Period.
HOW TO GUIDE
TO GREAT SEX
First Rule: ASK first!
Second Rule: ASK first!
It is key to always ask before you try to start anything sexual with another person. What if they don’t want you to and flip out? Always get the green light to proceed.
Don’t overcomplicate the talk. If your shy, say your shy, but talk about the big Oh-No's in your limits. If he’s a great partner, he’ll ask you throughout to make sure you’re okay.
After talking about turn ons and turn offs, the huge elephant is out of the room. You both should feel closer and more comfortable with one another, which increases your chances of having an orgasm.
During sex you should feel comfortable enough to say: yes to this, no to that and slow it down dude. Everyone has the right to have a good sexual experience. It shouldn’t be one sided, so remember to get yours.
The important thing to know is even though you talk, there is always a chance someone can abuse you. It is key to remember that it is not your fault they’re a doucheba and that there are people at your school that are there to help you.
"consent must be voluntarily given without manipulation, intimidation, fear, or any head games"
SEX TOYS: TOOLS
FOR CONSENSUAL SEX
- Be clear of your own sexual limits and values
- Ask: “is that okay?”, "was that too far?”
- Good sex = Good sex talk
- Feedback: let your partner know if you like that or not; what they can do differently
- Quiet as a mouse? If your to shy to talk about sex, then you shouldn’t be having sex
DON’T BE A CREEP:
Not all sexual assault is forced. Both guys and gals can be manipulated or pushed into doing something they don’t want to do. Head games, bribing, or threats are typical forms of pressured consent.
Just because they said yes, doesn’t mean they really want it, which ISN’T real consent.
Using any of these these forms to get it in, is considered forced consent and is rape.
If they’re not into it, don’t pressure them and just go solo.
Things a Douche Would Say:
“ If you loved me you would…”
“ You gave me blue balls. You don’t want me in pain, do you?”
“ What? Are you gay or something?”
“ My last girlfriend/boyfriend did this. Don’t be so uptight.”
“ I bought you all those shots didn’t I, you owe me…”
“ Even if you don’t, I’ll tell everyone you did…”
“ You don’t want us to break up, do you?”
“ I’ll hurt you/your pets/ your personal belongings”
HOW TO GO FROM
NAH TO BRUH!
Nah: Going in for a sketchy kiss.
BRUH!: "I really like you, can I kiss you?"
How: Don’t just go in for a kiss and violate their lips and personal space, especially if you just met. If you’re on a first date or just want to hook up, always ask first before you go in with the duck face. Make a personal note to yourself to respect the other’s boundaries.
Nah: “I forgot the condom, we can just take our chances”
BRUH!: “I don’t have a condom. I can’t really let go if I’m not protected. We should both keep some on us.”
How: Unprotected sex is like playing Russian Roulette with STDs and babies. Ain’t nobody got that time for that, especially with midterms. It should be on both parties to protect themselves and their partner, so buy box or buy in bulk.
Nah: Going from kissing to your hands down their pants.
BRUH!: “Kissing you is awesome, can we try something else?”
How: You both started out kissing, which is great, but moving to the nether regions without their permission is gross and assault. Don’t be that person. Simply ask them if you can pass go but not collect $200 just yet. Permission is key!
Nah: Being semi-interested into someone and having sex anyway (for whatever reason).
BRUH!: I’m really into you but I’m not ready to have sex right now.
How: Yes, it is okay to be attracted to someone and not have sex. No, it isn’t weird. If you’re not ready then you’re not ready, simple as pizza. If they respect you, they will understand and wait for you to be ready; maybe they’re feeling the same but to shy or embarrassed to say something. If they pressure you or call you prude, walk away and feel thankful you dodged an asshole.
Nah: Bragging to friends, “They were so drunk last night. It was so easy to go from kissing to 100, real quick”
BRUH!: Talking to friends, “They were so drunk last night. I didn’t want to take advantage, it just didn’t seem right.”
How: When people take drugs or alcohol, especially in excessive amounts, their judgement is impaired or they could even be blacked out. Do the right thing and help them home or get to a safe place. How would you feel if you couldn’t remember anything after that fifth shot of tequila and woke up naked in some random person’s bed? Not cool Bruh.
Nah: Having sex and not caring about the other person, whatsoever.
BRUH!: Having sex and continuously checking on your partner.
How: Having sex with no care for the other person involved, is selfish. How would you know if they didn’t like what you were doing or that you went past their personal boundaries? The answer is to simply ask them questions like: Are you okay with this? Do you like that? Do you want me to do something different? Should I stop/keep going? Do you want me to slow down? What would you like me to do? By asking these questions, your letting your partner know that you care for them, which can make them feel more comfortable and you can even get really great sex from it. Woah!
Nah: Hooking up and letting them do whatever, even if you feel uncomfortable.
BRUH!: “I’m not sure I like this/want this right now. Can we stop for a minute?”
How: Knowing your personal boundaries and limits is key to feeling comfortable in your own skin and gaining confidence when it comes to having sex. Talking to your partner about those restrictions is even better, but in the heat of the moment it’s easy for this to escalate and limitations forgotten. If you don’t like something, speak up and take a pause. If they respect you, they’ll understand and give you space. If not, well ugh, buh-bye.